


I Am Here

by ImStillHere



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:34:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23210293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImStillHere/pseuds/ImStillHere
Summary: Guerin's hand is fixed, so why not play at the monthly Open Mic night at the Wild Pony to earn some extra cash and maybe also the glance of one Alex Manes...
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 1
Kudos: 44





	I Am Here

**Author's Note:**

> The song referenced is "I Am Here" by P!nk. I really like this song and as I kept listening to it, parts of it made me think of Michael and Alex. I had wanted to get this done before Season 2 premiered, but... oh well! Hope you enjoy it!

He needs another drink.

Just one more and he won't overthink getting on the tiny stage at the Wild Pony to perform in front of the whole town.

Well maybe not the whole town, but still. The monthly Open Mic night had become a popular event among the locals, especially since the crowd favorite won $100 (which he could actually really use towards his bar tab).

It had been a year, to say the least, and Michael could only be grateful that Max fixed his hand before he died. He needed the music to get by, to calm down when the shit inevitably and constantly hit the fan.

A year since Max had died.

Six months since they finally brought him back.

Three months since his relationship with Maria finally fizzled and they realized they made better friends.

Overlaying all that was the discovery of more "Caulfield"-esque prisons and actually getting answers about his home.

Home.

Michael had been thinking a lot about that lately.

He couldn't actually go back to his home. And even if he could, he wondered if that would really solve all his problems (ok fine, he knew it wouldn’t’ve). He's since discovered that any family he had either came to Earth or died with the planet. And although he's grown close to some of those they rescued from the other prisons, he's still only felt that feeling of home in one place - or, rather, with one person.

When Michael first started playing the guitar again, it was just little melodies and such to quiet his head - change his entropy. Recently though, he'd been putting pen to paper for those melodies and adding some lyrics. One of which he finally brought himself to revisit after more than 10 years…

Which is partially what brought him to where he stood at the present. The other part was Isobel, of course.

A few weeks back, his head and mouth decided to betray him after a couple drinks at their now weekly sibling dinner. For some reason, he mentioned how he wanted to perform at the Open Mic night, but was afraid of people questioning his hand. Although it had been a year, and no one had said anything, he was still concerned about raising suspicions. Iz was more surprised that Michael had even been writing anything that he would want to perform. When Michael agreed he had in the affirmative, Iz made it her mission (of course) for him to perform at the next show, with a promise to mind wipe anyone who raised any questions. (Her powers had really developed since Noah made his "exit.")

And so that's how he ended up asking a buddy from the bar to back him up with some drums. While the words meant a lot to him, he wasn't one to sing a slow song for the home crowd - he still had an image to keep up. Picking up the tempo was a sure-fire way to win over the crowd and distract them from the lyrics.

As Maria announces his name to go up on stage, his nerves begin to spike, even as he can hear cheers from the table in the back with all his friends. It takes all his self-control to not look back at them, especially since there's one pair of eyes that make him nervous in their own right, no matter what, and he didn't need that added pressure - yet.

***

Alex is cheering right along with the rest of the "pod squad" as Michael takes his place on stage.

Who would have thought they would have all ended up here a year later?

When Alex found out about Michael and Maria, he was mad. Mad at Maria for lying to him, mad at Michael for not coming to him, but mostly mad at himself. He had pushed Michael too much, too often, and then his family's actions and legacy pushed him too far.

Even with that anger, he couldn't dwell on it with Max being dead, Rosa coming back to life, and his dad arriving back in town (in a coma no less, but of course one he quickly escaped from). Eventually, he put his feelings to the side and worked back to his friendship with Maria and began building (re-building?) it with Michael, for the sake of the group but also his own sanity. The anger he was feeling made him see his father in his reflection, something that quickly disgusted him. While it hurt to not be chosen, he still cared about them and knew he needed to find a way to move on. 

As they sorted through all of that, Alex decided to try his own luck at love and dated around in an attempt to gain some normalcy. While it was nice at first, he realized that no relationship would really work with all the secrets he was forced to keep - and the fact that his heart still belonged to one Michael Guerin.

Even with the end of Maria and Michael's relationship, though, he had yet to make any real moves. He and Guerin still hung out about the same. Maybe there were some longer, deeper looks, but neither of them seemed to really want to disturb the peace that had fallen across the group.

As Alex looks on, he's surprised to see how nervous Guerin looks.

"He-ey everyone. Really excited to play this for you. It's called I Am Here - hope you like it."

And with that, Michael counts off to a song that's a bit folksy and country. The crowd is already loving it as Michael starts to sing.

" _I open up my heart_

_You can love me or not_

_There's no such thing as sin_

_Let it all come right in_ "

Alex's heart is in his throat.

" _I wanna make some mistakes, I wanna sleep in the mud_

 _I wanna swim in the flood, I wanna fuck 'til I'm done_ "

When the hell did he write this, he thinks, as memories from their first few cosmic weeks float to the surface - running around town making some of those very mistakes.

" _I like whiskey on ice, I like sun in my eyes_

_I wanna burn it all down, so let's start a fire.”_

Alex can only smirk at this part. Of course Guerin loved his whiskey and the sun on his face (though Alex liked him a bit more with his black cowboy hat on). They’ve both burned it all down multiple times as well, literally and figuratively. But his mind starts to think back to all the nights they’ve spent sitting and talking (or not talking) around a campfire. It was a favorite pastime - start a fire, have a beer, get lost staring at the stars…Until he hears:

_“I wanna be lost, so lost that I'm found_

_Naked and laughing with my blood on the ground_ "

And that snaps Alex right back to attention, because he did find him - found him like that more than once.

First, after his dad beat his hand bloody. When Master Sergeant Manes finally left the shed, Michael was the picture of hysteria, laughing and crying over his mangled hand. Alex tried to help him but as he saw his dad about to return, Michael bolted out the door running in the opposite direction. Alex made an effort to follow, but Michael was too quick and his own sense of self-preservation soon took over.

Most recently was when they brought Max back to life. It had taken so much out of him. Even though he and Maria were still together, Alex went to check on him in the Airstream where he still hadn't cleaned himself up. He found him naked on the floor next to his bed, delirious - laughing and crying at the mystery of the day, with no energy left to do anything else. This time Alex was able to help him. He got him to the shower, cleaned him up, and put him to bed, calling Maria as he made his exit and knowing he was asleep.

Stunned by these memories, Alex can’t look away.

" _I am here, I am here_

_I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear_

_I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near_

_I am here, I am here_

_All of this wrong, but I'm still right here_

_I don't have the answers, but the question is clear_

_Let me ask you_ "

He had thought they were wrong so many times. How many times had his dad told him he was an abomination, just wrong to even be there? How many times had Alex turned and thrown that in Michael's face, saying that they weren't right - that they were too different? And yet, here they were. He isn't ready for the question though…

" _Where does everybody go when they go_

_Where does everybody go when they go_

_Where does everybody go when they go_

_Let me ask you_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Let me ask you_ "

***

Michael was relieved to make it through the first part of the song, especially that repeated section.

Everyone always seemed to leave him. It was this question his mind had blasted on repeat since he was a kid. It especially reared its ugly head when Alex went to war and then when his mom and Max died. Putting it in the song was his own kind of catharsis.

It had taken Michael forever to move past that first refrain and move on with the song.

Nothing had felt right.

He had written most of the beginning back in high school, so that section was easy enough to get back into and play again. And while writing had never felt as easy as solving a complex equation, he hadn’t expected the paper to mock him as he tried to express his thoughts and feelings. Even though he was older he knew that didn't mean he was suddenly a shining paradigm of mental health and expressing himself. Maybe he did in spurts with Alex, but that was always in the heat of the moment, and he often found himself replaying his words after the fact. He had gotten through so much this past year, but he still had his demons. 

" _May the light be upon me_

_May I feel in my bones that I am enough_

_I can make anywhere home_ "

When he finally wrote these words, he didn't believe them at first. But as he thought back to the day when they finally brought Max back - the light literally upon him - something changed in him.

Now, he's finally begun to feel like he is enough - he has a strong network of friends and family that support him. And while he was willing to make anywhere home, he really only wanted it with one person.

The nerves he felt around Alex were always there, but they had started to settle. He loved that his body still reacted to the sight of him, to saying his name, to hearing Alex say his name…

The fear of his dad and the hammer, of Alex finding out he was an alien, of the group finding out about their relationship **was all in the past** \- just the buzzing nervous excitement was left.

Yet they still hadn't made any moves, until - maybe now…

" _My fingers are clenched, my stomach in knots_

_My heart it is racing, but afraid I am not_

_Afraid I am not_ "

All the nerves in his body dissipate with these words. He’s not afraid and he knows what he wants.

And with that, he finally looks up to meet the gaze he had felt on him since he walked on the stage.

***

Holy shit, is all Alex could think.

He was not expecting Michael to look up and return a steady, pointed, fully-knowing gaze - not after saying those words and not as he moved back into his declarative chorus.

" _I am here, I am here_

_I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear_

_I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near_

_I am here, I am here_

_All of this wrong, but I'm still right here_

_I don't have the answers, but the question is clear_

_Let me ask you_ "

And he had, hadn't he - Guerin, Michael, whatever! - he’d always been there. Once Alex showed up that first time by offering the tool shed and guitar, Michael never looked away, even as Alex did. Even as Alex wasn't there, as he left time and time again, deployment after deployment, excuse after made up excuse, Michael was still there. Part of Alex liked to shrug that thought off, especially knowing now what had gone on with Max and Isobel and Rosa and their decision to stay in Roswell.

But that's not what Michael is saying now in his song. He's here for Alex. They had both seen the bottom over the past few years and he was still here for Alex. Michael had been told they were wrong too, and he was still here. And now he wants to know where they're going.

“ _Where does everybody going when they go_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Let me ask you_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Let me ask you_ "

Michael is looking directly at him and it’s like no one else was in the room as the drums fade and the tempo slows.

" _I can think of one thousand places_

 _Much worse than this_ "

And Alex can too. They had both been through so much, together and separately. Abuse by the hands of those that were supposed to love them. Explosions that cost them both so much (a mother, a leg). The loss of time filled with random hook-ups that only served as distractions (some of whom were not always the nicest). Their own brief meetings over the years that would start great but always ended terribly.

But that is not right here and not right now, as Michael's voice shines through - no guitar needed:

" _But I am here_

_I am here_

_I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear_

_I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near_ "

The devil - Alex's father - had been a recurring nightmare for them. While everything else had wrapped up in a somewhat neat bow, that was not the case with Master Sergeant Manes. He was still out there, surely waiting with baited breath. With Michael by his side, though, he thinks he could be ready too.

" _'Cause I am here, I am here_

_All of this wrong, but I'm still right here_

_I don't have the answers, but the question is clear_

_Let me ask you!_ "

His rallying cry rings through as the tempo picks back up and they are back in the Wild Pony. The crowd that had already been on their feet goes crazy dancing away as Michael finishes up the song.

" _Where does everybody going when they go_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Let me ask you_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_Where does everybody going when they go_

_So, let me ask you._ "

***

The bar is still cheering as he makes his way off stage. He thanks his buddy and they make quick plans for the money they are already planning on winning.

People keep slapping him on his shoulders and telling him how well he did as he walks to the back of the bar. At first the mild fanfare distracts him and he thanks them, but he starts to get nervous as he approaches his friends and family (though he really only cares about the opinion of one person). Luckily, he is met with whoops and hollers, and, while he said he never looks away, he makes eye contact with Isobel first - needing her comfort and support.

Isobel, being the good, psychic sister, senses this and gets up to hug him and then shoves him in the shoulder exclaiming, “why have you been holding out on us?? That was amazing!”

Michael beams and sees the table nodding in agreement.

His brother, the English major, lover of prose, clearly focused more on the lyrics than some of the others at the table (or maybe he was just worse at hiding his emotions). Michael expects a pat on the back when he also gets up, only to be caught off-guard when Max wraps him up in an intense hug and gruffly tells him good job. Michael also thinks his shoulder is starting to feel damp - as though Max is also crying. Since they got Max back, he and Michael had been talking more, attempting to work their way back to how they had been before Rosa’s accident. It wasn’t all smooth sailing, but he was so happy to have his brother back in his life and he just knew that they would never let it get as bad as before. So even if the song was a lot about Alex, it was also about Max and Isobel and home. Michael pulls away, feeling a little more misty-eyed than he expected.

Liz, always good to lighten the situation, chimes in saying, “yes, Mickey that was really good - so good that you guys are a shoo-in to win, so I’d like another glass of wine” 

Michael starts to sputter in protest as everyone laughs and agrees shouting out their orders. He’s about to take a stand when he sees Isobel conspiratorially eye Alex, who stands up and says, “come on Guerin - let's go before they cause even more of a scene.”

Again, Michael goes to protest (it’s the principle of it all), even if it’s a great opportunity to steal away some time with Alex, when Alex leans in and whispers “Max already has a tab open.”

Dramatically, Michael tells the table “Fiiiiiine” as he walks to the bar with Alex laughing by his side, and he has to physically restrain himself from reaching to grab his hand.

They get up to the bar and order their drinks from the other bartender as Maria introduces the next act as

With the bar a bit crowded and the next band beginning to play, Alex leans into his space to say, “That was really good,” as he looks up through his eyelashes and meets Michael’s gaze. 

Michael doesn’t know how to respond to all this praise, so instead of saying thanks like a normal person, word vomit takes over and he starts saying, “It was originally a slower song, but I dunno, after getting Max back and everything else ::waving his now fixed left hand:: I just felt like I didn’t want to be in that space anymore, so it needed to pick up, even if not everything was great, good stuff was happening so..yeah” he finishes as he meets Alex’s gaze again.

Ugh, he thinks, why was he telling Alex all of this?? It’s like whenever Alex is in his orbit his heart overrides his brain and any semblance of a filter floats away.

As Michael freaks out, Alex has a thoughtful look and says, “I was wondering when you wrote it…”

With that, Michael feels the urge to hide, so he rubs the back of his neck saying, “Yeah, well, the melody, the slower version, was something I used to play all the time before…” He coughs a little before continuing, “not sure if you remember that.”

Alex nods, so Michael continues “I started writing the lyrics back then but didn’t really play any of it until Max healed this. And then, I kept going back to it, especially after we got him back.”

Shrugging like it wasn’t a big deal, he looks back to the bar to see where their drinks are and to get himself from spilling any more.

Luckily, Maria’s bringing over their drinks and Michael figures that will effectively end their conversation when he hears Alex, almost whisper, “I’m here too”

***

Michael turns slowly back to him and stares at him, wide-eyed, like he has 3 heads, so he knows he heard him, but then Maria shows up with their drinks clearly to congratulate Michael. Her Maria sense must have been tingling, though, because as soon as she tells Michael good job and puts down the drinks saying they’re on the house, she quickly moves onto the next customer. 

Michael grabs most of the drinks and Alex starts to think he made a mistake as he follows Michael back to the table with the remainder of the drinks. However, once he finishes handing out the beverages, Michael immediately grabs his hand, excuses them, and basically drags him out of the Wild Pony.

Alex is sure his heart is visibly pounding out of his chest as Michael pushes him against the wall and crowds into his space.

“Look, too much happened then, but not enough to change the way I feel about you. Back then, we were constantly colliding, everything and everyone around us were something too

Alex can only respond, “And how do you know that won’t be the case now?”

Michael said in his song that he wasn’t afraid, and while Alex knows his heart belongs to Michael, he can’t say he isn’t afraid.

“I don’t. But I still want to try. I’m tired of not getting what I want.”

And with that, Michael pushes him firmly against the wall as he kisses him.

It could have been minutes, hours, or days later when Michael finally pulls away, resting his forehead on Alex’s, not leaving his space.

“Maria once told me that home could be a person, and...I think you’re mine. By the lyrics of the song, I hope I’m yours too,” Alex says as he leans in with the same fervor as they continue making out.

\---

A couple hours later, he walks in holding Alex’s hand as Maria names him the winner, even though he already has his prize.


End file.
